SHOPPING DISORDERS AND THE MALL SPIRIT - Final Segment (Previous segments below)

     Several days after returning home from the black hole of shopping, Connie was off again on another money-making venture at the mall.  She hadn’t been gone long, when my irascible cousin, Lester, stopped by for a visit.  He walked in just as I was catching my breath.  “It looks like you just finished running a marathon,” he said.

    “No, I was just wrestling with that age-old question.  What do I get my wife for her birthday?  Just when I thought I had the question pinned down, it got up and knocked the wind out of me.”

     “I can see why you’re huffing and puffing,” said Lester.  “It’s a question that’s turned many strong, self-made men into blathering idiots.  For weasels like us, it’s even more challenging."

     “What do you get a woman who has every magnet in the world?” I asked Lester.  “Her jewelry box is overflowing, and the magnets are two-deep on the refrigerator.”

     “Maybe go three-deep?” quizzed Lester. 

    When Connie returned later that night I approached her with rare bluntness.  “What would you like for your birthday?” I asked. 

     “I’d love anything,” she answered.  “Remember, it’s the thought that counts.” 

     So I thought about it.  It wasn’t long before I realized I was getting low on thoughts.  I wasn’t sure how many were still in stock.  I might have to resort to an actual gift.  I started getting nervous twitches.   A skin rash was beginning to appear.  My anxiety level was climbing toward overload.  I looked around the house for my stick, thinking I might round up a wild boar.  I went outside for some fresh air.  Just when my thoughts were running on fumes, a bright light appeared in the sky.  It had to be the Mall Spirit.  I followed the bright light.  It led me to a car dealership that was offering free balloons and hot dogs to anyone who would listen to a sales pitch.  I listened to the sales pitch.  Then I went home. “Happy Birthday,” I said, handing Connie a hot dog and nice balloon. 

     “How thoughtful,” she replied.

     “I decided you had enough magnets."

  

     With my S.A.D., it was nice to get a little help from the Mall Spirit.  

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