IMPORTANT DATES AND THE PERFECT GIFT - Segment 2

     When I do get an important date in my sights, it’s usually behind me.  Just the other day, while driving to work, I looked up, and there, in my rear view mirror, was an important date.  It was tailgating me.  I hate tailgaters.  So I tried to outrun it, but it stayed right behind me.   I finally pulled off the road and stopped.  It pulled off the road and stopped.  I got out and walked to the back of the car.  Taped on the back window was February 14, pictured with a heart and a box of chocolates; a little creative reminder from my wife.      Rushing to the store, I encountered numerous other men pawing through the chocolates.  They must have had the same date taped to their back window.  

  
     There is a rare breed of men who seem to remember every important date.  But they are extremely hard to find.  I was fortunate enough to see one on display at our local museum.  He was discovered at a nearby archeological dig.  I think he dated back before my time.  He was still holding a box of dried chocolates and petrified flowers.

     The cause of death was head trauma; a blow to the head from another important date.  This is why I’m thankful my wife keeps track of all this…like Cow Appreciation Day.  I would forget that day every year if it wasn’t for my wife.  Even then, I have trouble sending a cow flowers, considering the run-ins I had with them as a kid.  

   

     It’s hard enough keeping track of all the important dates, but even more elusive is the perfect gift.   It’s this elusiveness that causes my anxiety level to reach critical mass.  As soon as I enter a store in search of the perfect gift, I’m like a deer in headlights. I don’t know which way to go.  I give a body fake one way, then the other.  Not knowing which way to run, I freeze, and immediately become an ornament on someone’s shopping cart.  One day I expect to find myself mounted on someone’s wall, over their mantle, still peering through the cart. 

      “That’s an unusual rack.  Where did you bag him?”

      “In the mall; I was hunkered down behind a ‘clothes blind.’  He walked around the ‘blind’ and froze.  My cart hit him square-on.” 

To be continued...check back soon 

IMPORTANT DATES AND THE PERFECT GIFT- Opening Segment

     As I was standing in the checkout line of our local grocery one evening, I noticed a large throng of men, possibly numbering in the hundreds, gathered at the card rack.  “What’s going on?” I asked the clerk.

     “Tomorrow is Mother’s Day,” she answered.

     I knew there was something I had forgotten.  It had been in the back of my mind, but it was so far back that my memory had been unable to reach it.  I immediately dropped everything and ran to join the masses.

      Sweating profusely, I realized there were no more Mother’s Day cards.  That meant I would have to buy a get well card and re-write it to fit the occasion.  Then it crossed my mind that I might need a get well card for myself, possibly even a sympathy card.  I grabbed several cards, along with a bottle of whiteout, and went to find the perfect gift.  My choices were wilted flowers or stale chocolates.  I settled for the cards and whiteout. 

  
      Then I heard the clerk paging me. “Would the gentleman running through the store with the glazed look please return to register three and pick up the items you dropped?  They are blocking the aisle.”       

    With a calendar filled with special occasions, and more waiting to be added, I learned quickly the purpose of marriage.   It’s not to be fruitful and multiply.   It’s to have a wife that will remind you of important dates…”I hope you haven’t forgotten that tomorrow is our anniversary.” 

   

    “Shoot, I thought it was Dead Fly Day.  Just kidding!  How could I forget our anniversary?”  I’d better see if my life insurance is paid up.

  Occasionally a man will stumble upon an important date without being reminded…“Oh! Tomorrow is the beginning of fishing season!  My memory must have made a temporary comeback.”  

Segment 2 coming...check back soon

     

SHOPPING DISORDERS AND THE MALL SPIRIT - Final Segment (Previous segments below)

     Several days after returning home from the black hole of shopping, Connie was off again on another money-making venture at the mall.  She hadn’t been gone long, when my irascible cousin, Lester, stopped by for a visit.  He walked in just as I was catching my breath.  “It looks like you just finished running a marathon,” he said.

    “No, I was just wrestling with that age-old question.  What do I get my wife for her birthday?  Just when I thought I had the question pinned down, it got up and knocked the wind out of me.”

     “I can see why you’re huffing and puffing,” said Lester.  “It’s a question that’s turned many strong, self-made men into blathering idiots.  For weasels like us, it’s even more challenging."

     “What do you get a woman who has every magnet in the world?” I asked Lester.  “Her jewelry box is overflowing, and the magnets are two-deep on the refrigerator.”

     “Maybe go three-deep?” quizzed Lester. 

    When Connie returned later that night I approached her with rare bluntness.  “What would you like for your birthday?” I asked. 

     “I’d love anything,” she answered.  “Remember, it’s the thought that counts.” 

     So I thought about it.  It wasn’t long before I realized I was getting low on thoughts.  I wasn’t sure how many were still in stock.  I might have to resort to an actual gift.  I started getting nervous twitches.   A skin rash was beginning to appear.  My anxiety level was climbing toward overload.  I looked around the house for my stick, thinking I might round up a wild boar.  I went outside for some fresh air.  Just when my thoughts were running on fumes, a bright light appeared in the sky.  It had to be the Mall Spirit.  I followed the bright light.  It led me to a car dealership that was offering free balloons and hot dogs to anyone who would listen to a sales pitch.  I listened to the sales pitch.  Then I went home. “Happy Birthday,” I said, handing Connie a hot dog and nice balloon. 

     “How thoughtful,” she replied.

     “I decided you had enough magnets."

  

     With my S.A.D., it was nice to get a little help from the Mall Spirit.  

New chapter coming...check back soon