CHRISTMAS LETTER 2012



     Okay, I was going to begin a new chapter, but my wife and daughter said I should have put my Christmas letter on my blog.  So, following is the infamous Maberry Christmas letter for 2012.

 

 

+MABERRY CHRISTMAS 2012

 

     Merry Christmas to all our family and friends!  We hope this season will be a special time for each of you.     

     Every year, I anxiously await the return of Christmas.   It never keeps me waiting.   It was different when I was a child.  I had to wait several years for its arrival.  Now it comes two or three times a year, sometimes four.  I’m convinced this is due to the earth slipping off its axis, although Connie insists that I’m the one who has slipped off his axis, as I’ve been spinning out of control for some time.

     This past year has been especially difficult as I’ve had a constant struggle with guilt.  Connie finally discovered the problem. I had failed to send out a Christmas letter in 2011.  Yes, there were those who wrote me a note of thanks, saying they appreciated the break from such drivel.  But I paid no attention to those frivolous comments.   

      I knew I didn’t want to go through another year like that.  So yesterday I made the decision: “Connie, I’m going to send out some more Christmas drivel this year.”  She wept.  I think she missed the letter, too.      

     Many have asked me how I got started doing Christmas letters.   It was in 1984, while we were living in Michigan, that I began my first letter.  Some of you may still have it.  If so, see how much you can fetch on “Antique Roadshow.”   

     It was actually Connie who started the Christmas letter.  She decided it would be much easier doing a letter, than sending out all the cards. 

     “Okay, write a letter,” I said.

     “No, I thought you could do one,” she answered. 

     “Okay, okay, I’ll give it a try and see what happens.”  

     I thought about the Christmas letters we had received.  I always enjoyed reading them, but I knew I could never compete with the families I had read about.  The husband and wife were both making a couple hundred thousand a year, had visited 125 countries, and all the kids were child prodigies, having graduated from college at age nine.  There was no hint of rebellion, drugs, imprisonment, ties to Al Qaeda…anything.  No one in the family had even suffered a hangnail.  By the time I would finish their letters, I was depressed.  They were living a life that I couldn’t even find in my dreams.

     But I had to compete, if we were going to get our names written into the “Who’s Who of Christmas Letters.”  So I began my first letter, touting our family’s achievements.  The letter ended after a couple sentences.  I would have to find more to write about-- maybe borrow some achievements from other families.  I finally decided I would just be myself, sharing about our family over the past year, embellishing it with a little humor; kind of the way my mind looks at life.   And, so the annual Maberry Christmas letter was born.  Now, let the latest drivel for 2012 begin!

      It has been a busy year for Connie and I…a year filled with texting, Solitaire, Facebook, checking email, and waiting for our orders at Starbucks.      

     Always looking for a creative edge, I considered texting everyone my Christmas letter this year.  But my thumbs weren’t up to the challenge.  Besides, I was concerned about deletions and exploding phones. 

     Texting is an interesting phenomenon, although it can lead to a loss of speech.  If this happens to you, you will eventually need speech therapy, so you can re-learn how to speak again, rather than grunting.  But texting is a great tool for communicating.  And it’s quiet.   

     For example, the other day, Connie and I got into a bit of a texting scuffle.  She had gone to the post office.  When she came out, the car wouldn’t start.  For some reason, she found this extremely inconvenient.  I was working in Seattle.  So she sent me a text.  I sent a text back, suggesting a plan.  She didn’t like the plan.  I suggested another plan.  She didn’t like the plan.  I finally found a plan she liked.  Then the car started.  That made the plan much more palatable.  Now she wouldn’t have to push the car down the street to Les Schwab.  She could drive it.  Les Schwab checked the battery.  Connie sent me a text:  The battery is very bad!  Why didn’t you have them check it when they put on the new tires?  I sent a text reply:  Just had battery checked eight years ago.  Bad text!  She sent back another text, questioning the timely manner in which I had battery checked.  Then she took aim with blazing thumbs.  Text:  Why didn’t you…blah…blah…blah?  Text:  Couldn’t you blah…blah…blah?  Text:  And what about blah…blah?  I sent a text reply:  You forgot a blah.  Bad text!  Blahs began flying everywhere.  I couldn’t get a text in edgewise.  Finally, there was a lull.  I figured she was just cooling her thumbs in a bucket of ice water.  So I typed a text:  I hope no one heard you texting!  She had re-loaded.  Her text reached me before mine had time to discharge.  While mine was standing by in Drafts, I was getting the blahs…blah…blah…blah.  I finally had to go in to a Starbucks and ask for a sleeve for my phone.  It was too hot to hold.   I was thankful we were able to resolve the issue quietly.   

     As most of you know, I suffer from acute S.A.D. (Shopping Anxiety Disorder)  I’m usually sedated until Christmas Eve, then I run out and look for the perfect, last-minute gift.   Last year I came out just in time to get Connie a gift card for a root canal.  It wasn’t the perfect gift, but it was last minute.  She said she would have preferred an Extreme Makeover, as long as it was the Home Edition. 

     This year, she wanted me to act like a man, and meet the holidays head-on.  So the day after Thanksgiving, I was involved in a high-impact collision with Black Friday. I figured it was probable payback for the gift card.  The day began rather quietly, as I relaxed in my recliner and watched highlights of the Black Friday shopping wars.   Before I could find out who won, I was summoned to Walmart.     

     There I found myself competing in the Black Friday Challenge.  This is Walmart’s version of the “Corn Maze.” But, instead of weaving your way through cornstalks, you’re weaving your way through shopping carts. 

     Drivers have to dodge carts that have been positioned randomly throughout the parking lot.  The objective is to avoid being hit by these unmanned carts, as they roll toward your newly washed and waxed collector. While maneuvering through the parking lot, drivers must also be alert for other drivers who are competing in the Challenge. 

     It’s not for the faint of heart.  For safety reasons, anyone entering the Challenge should be in good health, and free from high blood pressure, heart, back or neck problems, motion sickness, nervous disorders, or other conditions that could be aggravated by the Challenge.

     Expectant mothers and those who have P.A.D. (Parking Anxiety Disorder) should stay home.    

     The Challenge tests a driver’s alertness, reaction time, and ability to refrain from shouting at unmanned carts, and imaginary people. 

     It’s being considered as a future Olympic event, called Extreme Parking.  I saw a couple of cars make some very nice moves, as they swerved around, and in between, numerous shopping carts, finally maneuvering their way into a parking space. 

     One gentleman didn’t read the rules about remaining in your car.  He had jumped out, shoved one cart out of the way, and was yelling at anyone grasping a cart handle to return it to a cart stall immediately, or they could forget Santa.  I guess there is always going to be one poor sport.

     I didn’t fair too well in my first Challenge.   I jumped a median and ran over some shrubs in an attempt to squeeze between carts, and park the car.  I was disqualified, and had to return home.

     After several days of exercises to strengthen my neck, I was ready to meet my next challenge head-on…the Mall.  Remembering the last time she found me cowering and whimpering in a corner of Ladies Apparel, Connie exhorted me to be brave, then she promptly left me to fend for myself while she did a little shopping.  I stumbled upon a nice cup of coffee and an eight grain roll at Starbucks that I combined with a sports page that someone had left on a table.  Together, they provided a nice calming effect for my shopping disorder.  I considered the day to be a tremendous success. 

     Connie found herself in the “American Girl” store; a very dangerous place to find yourself.  If you have a granddaughter, you know “American Girl.”     If you have a granddaughter and DON’T know “American Girl,” you’re deceased.  By the time Connie came out, I was on my third cup of coffee, had read the sports pages of several papers, and was now nervously pacing the mall, knowing that it was cheaper delivering a real baby, than buying an “American Girl” doll.  

     When I saw her walk out of the store carrying a bag, my heart started to make a run for my mouth, but she quickly informed me it wasn’t a doll, just several hundred dollars’ worth of clothes. (I’m just kidding on the amount for clothes.  That’s called “embellishing” for effect.  And I’m more than happy to embellish it.)

     I was going to share some highlights from our trips to France, Italy, Greece, and several other countries, but we didn’t go.  I considered borrowing some highlights from a friend’s Christmas letter, but suspected he might recognize it as his own trip.   Anyway, it would have required too much drivel.

     Apart from allergies, sinus infections, bronchial pneumonia, and other assorted ailments, all the kids and grandkids are doing well.

     We enjoyed Leavenworth this fall with Michael and Mindy, and their family.  It’s always a fun time of swimming, shopping, eating black ice cream, and just relaxing.  On the drive over, Grandpa gets to ride in the back of the van and referee the backseat turf wars. 

     Brett, now 10, loves to read and draw.  One of his favorite things to do is go to Barnes and Noble with Grandpa, where we both read and write together.  When he’s not reading or writing, he enjoys taunting his brother and sister.

     Mallory is now 7, and practicing her fashion runway form.  She is definitely the princess of the family. 

     Four year old Braxten is growing up quickly.  He loves staying busy, whether it’s work, sports, or just prepping in the kitchen.   The other day he had on his chef’s hat, and was making pancakes.  We expect to see him on the Food Channel…Pancake Throwdown with Braxten Sayler.       

     Connie and I also went to Philly in October.  We enjoyed time with Chris and the boys, along with her parents and two of her sisters.  We just had one evening with Justin, as he flew out to Las Vegas the next morning for six weeks, working on the election. 

     Carter is now 10 and, like Brett, loves to read.  He also has an extensive baseball card collection. 

     Jaxon is 7, and loves school, especially the social part. 

     We enjoyed watching the boys ride bikes, play baseball, and carve pumpkins.  We even did some babysitting, while Chris enjoyed time with friends.      

     As I close this year, I hope everyone remembers the reason for this season.  It’s not about you, or me, or what’s under the Christmas tree.  It’s about the nativity, and the manger you see, with the Christ child, who came into this world to save a wretch like me.  It is our wish that you have made Him a central figure in your life, for He is the reason for this season.

     Again, we wish you all a Merry CHRISTmas!