AS THE MIND WANDERS - Opening segment (Scroll down for earlier chapters)


      I love the sounds of spring: April showers dancing on the roof, birds happily singing, my wife and I crashing through the attic, looking to uncover priceless gems that will draw countless thousands or, at least, the neighbors to our annual spring garage sale.

     This spring a real treasure caught my eye.  After a few eye drops, I could see it was my old report cards.  I thought they had mysteriously disappeared in a grass fire years earlier or had floated down an irrigation ditch and were now somewhere in the Pacific Ocean, but there they loomed, like an open cesspool.  I quickly grabbed hold of something so I wouldn’t fall in. 

 

     I had done my best to hide them from my children, not wanting them to know the darker side of my life.  Now I was on the verge of being exposed.  I could lose my credibility as a genius.

     My wife picked up one of my report cards and looked inside. Under comments she read “Has difficulty completing assignments.”

     “I have an excuse…I mean an explanation for that,” I said.  “How can you complete something that’s been swept away in an irrigation ditch or caught in a grass fire?” 

     “That reminds me…did you remember to take out the garbage?” Connie asked.

     “I was going to, but you distracted me with this project,” I answered.

     “Still has difficulty completing assignments,” she muttered to herself.    

     Connie continued to the next comment…”mind wanders.”  “That explains why you had difficulty completing assignments," she went on.  “Your mind was AOL---Always on Leave.”     

     “That wasn’t my fault,” I answered.  “Our school didn’t offer anything in its area of interest.  I tried to get it to stay for Algebra and Biology, but dissecting frogs made it nauseous and algebraic equations caused it to have fainting spells.  It even tried woodshop, but I made it too nervous, being so close to power tools.  Besides, it didn’t enjoy sitting behind a desk.  It preferred roaming free.” 

  

     I was glad I could finally explain my side of the report card.  My teachers always seemed to turn a deaf ear when I tried to explain to them that they were putting my mind at risk, and that I couldn’t be held responsible for any of its actions.


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BARGAIN HAWK - Final segment (Scroll down for earlier segments)

     As her storage empire continued to grow, Aunt Huginkiss’ sister-in-law suggested she have her own yard sale.  This would allow Aunt Huginkiss to reclaim some of her land or, at least, the garage, basement, attic, and two bedrooms. 

    “Share your treasures with others,” said her sister-in-law.  “People will even pay you for them, and I’m sure they would allow you visitation rights.”

     This was a new concept to Aunt Huginkiss.  Although she thought it would serve no useful purpose in life, she decided to try this grand experiment. 

     Her sister-in-law got her counseling and helped her prepare for the big event, possibly attracting national media attention or, at least, some curious relatives and bargain hawks.

     On the morning of the big event, with tension in the air--- and security holding back the first wave of bargain hunters, along with a number of curious relatives, Aunt Huginkiss was ready for the challenge.  As everyone began pushing their way in, they would soon find out if they were ready for Aunt Huginkiss.         

     She loved bargain hunting because it was always in season, and there was never a limit.  She could bag all the junk…I mean bargains she could get into a railroad storage container. 

     Now she was having her own yard sale and she made the rules.  She became a self-appointed yard sale warden. 

     While her sister-in-law looked on in stunned silence, Aunt Huginkiss was doing her best to discourage buyers.  Bargain Hawks faced stiff resistance.  They underwent hours of intense questioning.  “Where did you get this?  I’ve been looking for that.  Who put that out here?  Why do you want this?”

     It was a bargain hunter’s nightmare.  Some likened it to a yard sale concentration camp.  Anyone picking up an item to buy would be confronted by Aunt Huginkiss.  “Do you have a license to hunt here?  You don’t?  Let me see the item you have in your hand.  Looks like you’re over the limit, too.  That will be a fifty dollar fine.  You can pay at the table.” 

     People finally broke down and started putting everything back where they had found it. 

     As everyone began streaming toward their cars, Aunt Huginkiss’ face beamed with pleasure.  Her garage sale looked like it was going to be a huge success.  There had been no sales.  She still had her treasures. 

     At the end of the day, with everything safely back home, Aunt Huginkiss wanted to thank her sister-in-law for her wonderful idea.  But her sister-in-law, who had been rendered speechless just hours earlier, was still looking for words; she couldn’t find any that were available.   

     Thankfully, Aunt Huginkiss, the consummate bargain hawk, was able to get her a great deal with a French speech therapist.

 

 

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BARGAIN HAWK - Segment 3 (Scroll  down for earlier segments)

     On her way to building her empire, Aunt Huginkiss earned a reputation as one of the local Storage Queens.  Her accumulation was legendary. 

     There were others in the community whose reputations as Storage Queens were also legendary.  Soon they were all involved in the “Storage Wars,” seeing who could build the greatest empire.  The Chamber of Commerce saw an opportunity…an event that could outdraw their wildly popular Lavender Festival.  They decided to have an annual competition and crown someone Storage Queen for a Day.  The winner would be presented with a key to a new mini-storage, along with a nice sweatshirt, emblazoned with “Storage Power.”

     The first annual Storage Queen for a Day was a festive event.  Aunt Huginkiss competed against several others in the community for the grand prize.       

     One of the events was the “Grab n’ Bag” time trials.  This was a crowd favorite.  In this event, each contestant had three minutes to see how many bargains they could stuff into a shopping bag, the size of a small dumpster. 

     Another crowd pleaser was a rendition of the old “Pin the Tail on the Donkey” game.  In this event, each contestant was blindfolded and spun around several times.  The winner was the first one to find their way to a yard sale. 

     In the final event, contestants had to work their way from the front of their storage to the back, and return.  A mouse was placed in a cage near the entrance.  If the mouse was found dead, there wasn’t enough oxygen in the storage and the contestant could not proceed.  Game over.   

     Aunt Huginkiss won the crown that first year, even though her mouse was a little short of breath.  She was crowned Storage Queen for a Day and presented with a key to a new mini storage. 

    She proudly waved one of her prized bargains---a case of recycled dental floss---as she rode on a float in the Overflow Storage Parade.

    As her storage empire continued to grow, Aunt Huginkiss’ sister-in-law suggested she have her own yard sale.  This would allow Aunt Huginkiss to reclaim some of her land or, at least, the garage, basement, attic, and two bedrooms. 

 

 

To be continued...check back soon

    

BARGAIN HAWK - Segment 2 (Scroll down for opening segment)

     Aunt Huginkiss was a Bargain Hawk.  She had a goal…to build a storage empire.  To achieve her goal would require scouting the countryside for sales.  Sales were like a magnet.  I would be riding with her in the car when, without warning, the car would act like it had been sucked off the road by a large, high-powered, car-sucking vacuum; just a swoosh, a little whiplash, and the car would be deposited in front of someone’s yard.   

     “Wow! Was that wind shear?” I asked Aunt Huginkiss.

     “Not at all,” she answered; “just pulling off for a yard sale.”

     “I thought you had a yard.”

     She paid no attention.  She was only interested in being the first person in line for all the bargains. 

     While most people had weather radios so they could receive alerts and keep an eye out for dangerous storms, Aunt Huginkiss had a “Sales” radio that would continually update her on the local sales and give alerts on new sales people might be planning for the following day.

     Every morning, after breakfast, she would jump in her car and roar off, with an ear to her radio, listening for updates, as she prowled stores, streets, back alleys, and coffee shops for insider tips.

     Whether Aunt Huginkiss needed something, or not, was immaterial.  If it was a bargain, it belonged to her.  If she couldn’t use it, a Tibetan monk might need it.

     One day I asked, “Aunt Huginkiss, how did you become a Bargain Hawk?”  

     “The Depression made me do it,” she answered. 

     I was relieved it wasn’t the devil.

     “Why don’t you take medication?” I asked.  “A lot of people suffer from depression.”

     “No,” she answered, “The ‘DEPRESSION.’”

     “You mean when you had to make do with what you had?” I asked.

     “That’s right.”

     “We must be in a depression now,” I went on.  “I told Mom I needed a new teacher, but she said I needed to make do with what I had.”

     Aunt Huginkiss ignored what I was saying, because her radio was crackling with an update.  With no time to spare, she was off for the next bargain.

     On her way to building her empire, Aunt Huginkiss earned a reputation as one of the local Storage Queens.  Her accumulation was legendary. 

 

 

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BARGAIN HAWK - Opening segment (Scroll down for earlier chapters)

     For years we lived along the main highway through town.  It was the perfect location for a yard sale.  Just walking out the door with a folding table would bring traffic to a screeching halt.  We could set a sofa in the yard and it would disappear within minutes.  I think, once or twice, we threatened to put the kids out.      

     It was there that I learned the difference between the casual bargain hunter and the bargain hawk.   Like the casual bargain hunter, I, myself, enjoy a good bargain when it’s calling my name.    

     The bargain hawk is another bird.  These are the people who show up three days before your sale, convinced that your yard is a K.O.A. (Campground of America).  Posting a sign with your hours of operation is useless since most bargain hawks are non-readers.  Crawling under the electrified, barbed-wire fence surrounding your yard is simply a test of their perseverance; never willing to give up on a bargain. Having armed guards shoot at them only strengthens their resolve.   

    
     Bargain hawks are hardened bargain hunters.  They plan their day around yard sales.  Their keen eyesight is able to spot a yard sale that cannot be seen with the naked eye.  Once spotted, they swoop in with cat-like reflexes and grab their bargain.  They’re not distracted by stifling heat and offers of ice cold lemonade.  Once they have their prized possession, their hands become like a steel trap.  You can’t pry it loose.   

     Some Bargain Hawks are professional bargain hunting guides, who lead groups on extended bargain hunts.  If you are a serious bargain hunter, they can provide you with a Bargain Hunter’s Guide to the best places to spot bargains. 

 

     Aunt Huginkiss was a Bargain Hawk.  She had a goal…to build a storage empire.


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