SHOPPING DISORDERS AND THE MALL SPIRIT- Segment 3 (Scroll down for earlier segments) 


     “I’m sure my wife’s immune system would resist it,” he insisted.  “The doctor told me her case is the worst he’s ever seen.  She just left today on a seven day mall tour.  If they don’t get some rain soon in southern Chile, my pocketbook will be facing a severe drought.” 

     After his wife had returned from her mall tour with a pocketbook as dry as southern Chile, she agreed to try the drug. 

     After a couple of weeks, I called.  “How did it work?” I asked. 

 

    “I thought it was great,” answered Fred.  “We were out shopping, and she walked right by a 90% off sale.  She just yawned and said she needed to get home so she could re-plumb the house.”

    “It must be working,” I said

    “It was until it wore off,” Fred continued.  “Now she’s gone on a twelve-day hunt for a trophy chair.  I had to pay a plumber to come in and finish her job.” 

 

     I am happy to report that very few men are afflicted with this disease.  Just hearing the “S” word will cause most men to experience symptoms of extreme fatigue, light-headedness and nausea, with the need to lie down in front of the television.  A good ballgame will usually clear up these symptoms and lead to a full recovery.  A little fishing or hunting can also speed up the recovery.  I’ve even known some who found that a simple round of golf was a perfect cure.  My cousin, Skeeter, thought kayaking the narrows would clear up his symptoms, but he barely survived the experience.   “Next time I’ll use the kayak,” he said.  The shopping cart was recovered several miles downstream. 

      

   Although the drug for curing “RTD” has been proven effective, there are other preventive measures a person can take to avoid using the drug. 

  

      Personally, I prefer going to the mall when the stores are closed.  Mall walking in the morning, before the stores open, is a perfect time, but even that can be fraught with peril.  Just recently, I witnessed the abduction of a totally innocent mall walker.  She was walking along briskly, minding her own business and getting her exercise for the day when, without warning, a curtain on one of the stores opened up and she mysteriously disappeared.  Thirty minutes later she reappeared, apparently unharmed, but loaded down with an armful of packages.  It was an eerie experience to witness.  I had heard of the Mall Spirit, but this was the first time I had seen it in action.  I called Fred. 

To be continued...check back soon