THE PERFECT TREE - Segment 4 (Scroll down for earlier segments)

     Times are changing for trees and, frankly, I’m concerned.  The ATM, Artificial Tree Movement, is part of a very disturbing trend, subtly spreading throughout our great country.

     Last year Connie and I stopped to visit some dear friends during the holidays.  Much to our dismay, they had shamed their name by bringing an artificial tree into their home. 

    Although our relationship was immediately strained, I still managed to break bread with them.  I don’t think you should let anything get between you and food.

   My friend said he couldn’t pass up a deal he found at an artificial tree farm.  “We toured their assembly line and saw how they made the trees,” he said.  “Afterward, they let us make our own tree.” 

     “Next time I’d get limbs that match,” I said.

     Not long thereafter, we discovered our daughter and son-in-law had become involved in this radical movement.  Obviously, we were deeply hurt.  When they put up their artificial tree, I thought, where is the thrill of the hunt?  We once went out in search of the “Great Tree.”  Now we call QVC, and UPS delivers it to our door in a box. I’m afraid we’re losing the rich heritage of our past. 

     Not only does an artificial tree smell like the inside of a box; you have to put them together.  That means they have to be taken apart after Christmas.  You start missing parts. 

    What happens next year, when you can’t find the trunk?  It means YOU get to be the trunk, standing upright while holding a limb in each hand.  Then your wife flocks you until you look as though you’ve been stranded outside in a blizzard for a week.  To top it off, she sprays you so you’ll smell like a tree.  Try going to the mall like that. 

     I’ve threatened to terminate the relationship between my wife and daughter as our daughter has been spreading lies about the benefits of an artificial tree.  Now my own wife is hinting that she would like to join the subversives. “The money we spend each year on a real tree could go toward an artificial tree,” she insists. 

     “We had a nice tree last year,” I said.

     “No, we had a nice poinsettia on a stump” she answered.  “I want a tree this year.” 

      So I priced artificial trees and calculated that we could have one paid off by the time we were dead if we lived long enough.

To be continued...check back soon