THE PERFECT TREE - Final Segment (Scroll down for earlier segments)     


     My aversion to artificial trees probably comes from my childhood.  Mom had an artificial tree.  It was a shiny silver tree.  It looked as though someone had taken a chrome hubcap, put it through a shredder, and used the remains for a tree.  Every year I would ask, “Mom, where did you get that tree?” 

     “In the silver forest,” she would answer.

     It was probably where I had first spotted the elusive silver elk. 

     As an added attraction, she had a spotlight shining through a multi-colored disc that rotated next to the tree.  As the disc rotated, the tree would change colors, from red to green to blue, and so on.  If you stared at the tree long enough, you’d be hypnotized.  I think that was Mom’s plan.  “Just stare at the tree.  You’re getting sleepy.  Keep staring…”  Fortunately, I always woke up in time for Christmas. 

     I have tried to keep “tradition” alive, but under intense pressure from the rest of the family sitting on me and twisting my arm, which led to a dislocated shoulder and three fractured ribs, I finally broke down and bought an artificial tree.  My wife found the perfect tree on TV.  After selling both cars, we had enough money for a down payment on the tree.  Within a few days, a large box was delivered to our front door. After dragging it into the house, I sat down to catch my breath.  Then  I looked at the printing on the box.  “Trees used to come from the back forty,” I told my wife.  “Now they come from Hong Kong.  That’s what it says on the box.” 

     “That’s further than the back forty,” she answered.

     “That’s probably why they cost as much as a new purse,” I said.  “It’s a lot further walk to Hong Kong.”

     I pulled the contents out of the box.  After being satisfied that a tree was included, I looked at the directions. They were written in Chinese, probably retaliating for the leftovers I had sent them as a kid, when Mom told me they were starving in China. 

     To my good fortune, I spotted another set of directions in English.   As I read them, I wondered what Gramps would have thought.  “You need directions to put up a tree?”  Then he’d grab his trusty axe and head for the back forty.  “Why pay to build a tree, when you can go out to the back forty and cut one down that’s already been put together, and it’s FREE!” 

     This month we have been busily preparing for Christmas, putting up the tree, and getting all the Christmas décor in order.  I don’t know why I say putting up the tree because it was already up, standing in cold storage, in our basement.  How it got down there I’ll never know, but I know how it’s going back after Christmas.  There’s going to be a puff of smoke, and the tree will drop through a hole in the floor.  I say that because it comes in three sections that refuse to be separated.  If I could take it apart it would be simple, but “simple” and “easy” have never been part of my holiday plans.

     Somehow we coaxed the tree upstairs without re-modeling.  But it did balk several times at all the steps.  When you stand in one place for so long, climbing stairs can be very tiring.  I think we’ll celebrate next Christmas in cold storage.  I’m sure the tree would like that.

     A long, lost cousin paid us a visit shortly after Christmas, in March.  I told him we’d been too busy to take down the tree.

     “I’ll help if you want to take it down now,” he said.

     I yawned and slowly answered, “I guess now is as good as any.”  I didn’t want him to think I was getting ready to flag down a motorist for help.  The two of us managed to separate the tree into its three equal sections, which made it much easier to move downstairs.

     That meant we would not be celebrating next Christmas in cold storage.  I can place the three sections side by side in the living room.  We’ll just decorate three small trees.

     Then, on the other hand, I think I’m ready to go back to a simpler time, and take my grandson on that pilgrimage to the back forty in search of the “Great Tree.”  That would be perfect.

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