SHOPPING DISORDERS AND THE MALL SPIRIT- Segment 4 (Scroll down for earlier segments)

     I had heard of the Mall Spirit, but this was the first time I had seen it in action.  I called Fred.  “Maybe your wife is just under the control of the Mall Spirit,” I said.  

   

     “It’s very possible,” answered Fred.  “I know it’s not my Spirit.  Last week she woke up in the middle of the night, saying a voice kept telling her the drought in southern Chile was getting worse.  I tried to tell her it was my voice, telling her our pocketbook was drying up.  She refused to believe me.”  

     “It must be the Mall Spirit,” I said. 

     I learned that if you’re not forever vigilant, the Mall Spirit can catch you by surprise, and it’s not easy getting out of its grasp.   

  

     Just recently, my wife and a friend were preparing to go to the mall... just the usual routine: some long distance running, a little weightlifting, qualifying time trials on the shopping cart obstacle course in the Wal-Mart parking lot---the graveyard for just-used shopping carts; typical preparation for holiday shopping. 

    “Would you like to go with us?” Connie asked.

   “I’d feel safer bounding through the forest with a large rack and white tail during hunting season,” I answered.

    “I’ll buy you a new tie if you promise not to snag it on the brush as you’re bounding through the forest,” she went on.

     Being good-natured and thinking I could spend my time sleeping…I mean, reading at the bookstore, I went along for the ride.  It began just as I had planned.  I was sitting in a large, soft leather chair enjoying a good book.  Realizing I was in my element, dozing in a comfortable chair with a good book covering my face, Connie walked over and said, “Wake, come and look at this pair of pants.  I think you would like them.”  This is when I could sense the Mall Spirit nearby.  With little warning, my time of relaxation was about to spiral out of control into the black hole of shopping.  I was about to be caught in the web of the Mall Spirit.

     Before long I had a pair of pants, shoes, shirt, belt, and tanning lotion, although I think the tanning lotion was for the Mall Spirit.  It happened so quickly I had no time to react.  My wife said it was a bargain.  I agreed.  I never question a bargain.  I crossed that line once.  I didn’t like what I saw, so I jumped back behind the line.  Afterwards, my wife helped me see how we were actually making money.  If it’s 50% off, she takes the 50% she saves and buys the gift.  The other half she pockets.  The more she buys, the more we save.  So I got a loan to invest in more 50% off sales.  It was a great little money-maker. 

To be continued...check back soon

   

SHOPPING DISORDERS AND THE MALL SPIRIT- Segment 3 (Scroll down for earlier segments) 


     “I’m sure my wife’s immune system would resist it,” he insisted.  “The doctor told me her case is the worst he’s ever seen.  She just left today on a seven day mall tour.  If they don’t get some rain soon in southern Chile, my pocketbook will be facing a severe drought.” 

     After his wife had returned from her mall tour with a pocketbook as dry as southern Chile, she agreed to try the drug. 

     After a couple of weeks, I called.  “How did it work?” I asked. 

 

    “I thought it was great,” answered Fred.  “We were out shopping, and she walked right by a 90% off sale.  She just yawned and said she needed to get home so she could re-plumb the house.”

    “It must be working,” I said

    “It was until it wore off,” Fred continued.  “Now she’s gone on a twelve-day hunt for a trophy chair.  I had to pay a plumber to come in and finish her job.” 

 

     I am happy to report that very few men are afflicted with this disease.  Just hearing the “S” word will cause most men to experience symptoms of extreme fatigue, light-headedness and nausea, with the need to lie down in front of the television.  A good ballgame will usually clear up these symptoms and lead to a full recovery.  A little fishing or hunting can also speed up the recovery.  I’ve even known some who found that a simple round of golf was a perfect cure.  My cousin, Skeeter, thought kayaking the narrows would clear up his symptoms, but he barely survived the experience.   “Next time I’ll use the kayak,” he said.  The shopping cart was recovered several miles downstream. 

      

   Although the drug for curing “RTD” has been proven effective, there are other preventive measures a person can take to avoid using the drug. 

  

      Personally, I prefer going to the mall when the stores are closed.  Mall walking in the morning, before the stores open, is a perfect time, but even that can be fraught with peril.  Just recently, I witnessed the abduction of a totally innocent mall walker.  She was walking along briskly, minding her own business and getting her exercise for the day when, without warning, a curtain on one of the stores opened up and she mysteriously disappeared.  Thirty minutes later she reappeared, apparently unharmed, but loaded down with an armful of packages.  It was an eerie experience to witness.  I had heard of the Mall Spirit, but this was the first time I had seen it in action.  I called Fred. 

To be continued...check back soon