THE PERFECT TREE-Segment 2 (Scroll down for opening segment)

     Around the first week of December our family bundles up and goes out in search of that perfect Christmas tree.  After a lengthy hunt, we finally get committee approval for a tree.

     I want to decorate the tree at the lot, and come by to visit it.  It would be much easier than wrestling with the tree at home.    Besides, it has a distinct size advantage.   The committee overrules me. 

     So we now have to decide who is going to walk home in the cold, while the tree rides in the car.   There's not enough room for everyone.   My son suggests we put the tree on the roof of the car.  I tell my son that would scare the sap out of the tree and, besides, I’m not a tree-on-the-roof kind of guy.   It has to go in the car.

     Our son agrees to wait by the fire in the shed at the tree lot while the tree rides home with the rest of the family.   He reminds me to pick him up before the tree wrestling scene.   So we put down the back seats, open the back hatch, and shove the tree into the car.   I drive home with the base of the tree almost riding on the top of my head.  I hope pitch doesn't get  in my hair.  Pitch is worse than gum...hard to comb out.

     We finally get the tree home.  Then I go back to the lot and pick up our son.  Once home, I try to stall, hoping Christmas will pass before I have to attempt putting up the tree.  But the committee is not going for the stall tactic.  So we move all the furniture into the garage to make room for the tree.  

     Somehow I get the tree into the house.   Now I have to saw the base off so it’s flat at the bottom, and will stick into the teeth of the tree stand.  My wife complains because I’m running the chain saw in the house.  I tell her I’m going to cut up some table legs for the woodstove.   I’m just kidding.   Now it’s time to fit the tree into the tree stand.   Note:  Don’t try this at home, alone.  This is exactly what the tree wants; you and he alone, where he can turn you into a carpet square.
  

     Once you have enlisted a wrestling troupe to help, you can quit making death threats against the tree.  You can now place the tree into the stand.  Oops!  The trunk is too big for the stand.  You utter several more threats.  Then you run to the tree stand store and get the right size. 
 

     Another attempt is made to place the trunk into the tree stand.  It will fit if you cut off the lower limbs.  The committee is getting restless.   My wife is concerned that the tree will turn brown and the needles will fall off before I get it into the tree stand.  It’s going to need water soon. 

     Now let me regress for a moment.  Years ago, this was a simple process.   Trees would be stood upright in a bucket.  Then the bucket would be filled with rocks, holding the tree upright.   If the tree refused to stand up straight, the rocks would be used to stone the tree. 
 
   Okay, back to reality.  I’m having trouble getting the tree in the correct upright position.  The committee goes outside to look for rocks, but I don’t think they’re going to stone the tree.  My wife informs me that the tree is long overdue for water.  We may need a fire hose. 

   After a relentless struggle, involving much pushing and shoving, along with a discussion regarding the lifespan of the tree, I manage to get the tree into an upright position.  The committee puts down their rocks while I faint from exhaustion.

     I wake up to find myself lying spread-eagled, under the tree, covered with needles.  Looking down at me, the tree is smiling from limb to limb, trimmed to size and nicely decorated, thanks to my wife and kids. 

To be continued...check back soon