SNAKE SIGNALS - Final Segment (Scroll down for earlier segments)


     There are some people who love snakes.  Lester is one of those people.  For as long as I can remember, he wanted his own pet snake.  I don’t know if it was from falling off the back of my motorcycle, or running into a tetherball pole, that brought about this desire.  But I knew he would have his own snake someday.

     I also knew it wouldn’t be in his parent’s home.  His mother said he would have to be grown and out of the house, preferably living in the Mongolian Outback. 

  

    When it was time to leave home, Lester packed his bags for the Mongolian Outback.   He made it as far as Hollywood.  Once there, he began his quest for a snake he could call his own.  Unable to find one at a garage sale, he put an ad in the paper.  He was contacted by a gentleman who was just leaving with his two pet snakes for the Everglades.  They worked out a deal.  He gave Lester his two snakes.  In exchange, Lester gave him some closet doors to hang.  They were both happy.

   The two snakes were Anacondas, boa constrictors that have proven to be a very popular pet snake.             

     

     They are popular because they are docile and easy to outrun.  They are easy to outrun because they are only slightly faster than a pet rock.  They will lie motionless for hours, very similar to my good friend, Fred, when he’s watching a baseball game on television. 

  

     Even though they move slowly, constrictors can strike with eye-blinking quickness, much like a man when his wife takes the remote.

     A constrictor requires space, because they will grow up to 10 to 12 feet in length.   To make room for a constrictor, you will need to convert your house into a large, glass enclosure.   You can live in a nearby apartment.   

     Lester lived in the same house as his snakes, although he did keep them in a separate, glass enclosure.

     His constrictors eventually grew to nine and twelve feet, respectively.  They were appropriately named; Montezuma and Hercules.

     He would often be invited to school programs where he would share about his snakes.

     If you plan on having your own constrictor, you will need to learn how to take care of them.  You should take particular care in the feeding of your constrictor.  I would recommend a water buffalo every six months.  I’m just kidding.  It’s too hard trying to keep a herd of water buffalo in the back yard. 

     An adult constrictor will usually enjoy a rodent every two weeks.  Recently, Lester was showing me some teeth marks on his hands, caused by Hercules.  Apparently Hercules had mistaken him for a large rodent.

     One of the pre-requisites for owning a large snake is that it must escape at least once, preferably several times.  Lester’s snakes fulfilled this obligation. 

    The first time Montezuma saw that Lester wasn’t looking, he made a crawl for it.  Later that day, Lester’s mother-in-law went into the bathroom.  No one knows how it happened, but when she opened a cabinet door under the bathroom sink, there was Montezuma curled up, starring at her.   After a couple months, her vocal cords had healed, and she had regained her speech.  Lester said that incident put a tremendous strain on their relationship.  She and the snake never talked again. 

     If you ever visit someone who owns a large snake, ask to see it in the enclosed glass cage, before traipsing around the house or plopping down on some furniture.  The snake could have gone out for a crawl.

     After a nice crawl, the snake may have decided to curl up under some cushions on the sofa and read a good book.  Actually, most snakes are poor readers, but they do love small, dark, warm places when hiding.  It makes them feel secure.  If you happen to sit down and re-arrange the cushions, only to find a snake, you will not feel secure.  You will be re-arranging yourself.  In fact, you will be inventing new “snake signals” as you bounce off every wall in the house, in your haste to get outside.  Once outside, you can put yourself back together.  

    

     If you never want to see another snake, I would suggest moving to the polar ice cap and hanging closet doors.   On second thought, I don’t know if you can hang closet doors in igloos.  Better yet, stay home, but forget about that swim in the Everglades. 

New chapter coming...check back soon    

   

     

    

    

      

SNAKE SIGNALS - Segment 3 (Scroll down for earlier segments)     


     Our children grew up around garter snakes, and I still can’t convince them that they're harmless.  They're not only harmless; they serve a very useful purpose.  The garter snake helps keep the mouse population down, although they seem to have reached a peace agreement with the mice in our area. 

     Just the sight of a little, harmless snake, crawling through the grass, causes our children to exhibit skills rarely seen in professional athletes.  After several cartwheels, back flips, ricocheting off the side of the house, and jumping a six foot fence, they disappear.  Several days later, I get a call from law enforcement in a neighboring county…”I think we found your children.  They said something about an encounter with a two-headed mutant snake.” 

                   

      Just the other day I asked Justin to mow the lawn.  When I arrived home, he was sitting in front of the television, playing a video game.  The grass was bending over in the wind. 

     “Why haven't you mowed the lawn?” I asked.

     “Snake,” he answered.

     That’s all he says…”Snake.”

      Justin seems to have an innate ability to attract snakes.   They make a mad crawl for our riding mower as soon as they see him walking toward it.  

    As soon as Justin spots one of the snakes, it's showtime.  He begins with a phenomenal flat-footed jump, landing feet first on the seat of the riding mower.  A note of caution:  DON’T try this at home.   Our son has spent years perfecting this move.  Bending over, he starts the mower.  He then proceeds to do a little “soft shoe” as the mower meanders around the yard.  Cars come to a stop along the highway as people get out and start cheering and applauding, thinking he’s practicing for a circus act. 

     Why he hasn't applied for the circus, I don't know.  He's the consummate entertainer, definitely worth the price of admission.   

     Justin finally came up with an elaborate “snake-monitoring” plan.  He said he got the idea from watching the Weather Channel.

     Using my money, he bribes his friend, Zach, to walk the entire mowing area.  If there are no snakes, Zach sticks a green flag in the ground.  This means Justin has the green light to begin mowing.  

      

   If there is the possibility of encountering a snake in the grass during mowing or, possibly, later in the day, while raking the lawn, Zach doesn't worry about sticking a flag in the ground.   This is because Justin is always on “Snake Watch.” 

    When Zach spots a snake in the grass, he sticks a red flag in the ground where he spotted the snake.  This is a “Snake Warning.”  Justin avoids that area.  If there are several red flags throughout the mowing area, Justin immediately seeks shelter in the living room, in front of a video game.  The snakes should pass by within a few days, at which time he can resume his lawn-mowing duties.  Until then, he and Zack fixate themselves in a zombie-like state in front of the television, enjoying their video game.

To be continued...check back soon